I am a divorced, 30 year old woman living & working in the ‘burbs. I don’t have a super exciting life. What I do have are dogs. And a live-in a boyfriend, but we’re not talking about him in this story.

I have two fur-kids (yes, I’m one of those people dealwithit): a 9 year old, male Yorkie named Cooper & a 8 year old, female Greyhound named Quan. I always get shit over her name. Like, “Ooh, you named her after a rapper?” Bitch, no! Y’all. She used to race and her racing name was “Mega Quandary,” cute right? It’s just the right type of funny for me. When I got her about 4 years ago, I tried renaming her, but when “Quan” is an option nothing else will really suffice.  Anyway, she’s the most chill dog. Absolutely ZERO fucks. I constantly feel like she’s giving me the middle finger thinking “When I’m eighteen I’m so out of here you BITCH!” Which is funny because I’m not technically the bitch in this scenario.

One day, I’m at home during my lunch break from my super-ultra-mega glamorous life as an administrative assistant (I feel like my title should really be HBIC). Typically, on my lunch break I let the dogs out in the backyard to potty and sun bathe since they both are like cats in that they love to soak up the sun while I water the plants and eat lunch. Since it’s been getting hotter in Southern Louisiana, Quan hasn’t been wanting to stay out very long. This particular day, I let them out to potty & sit at my kitchen table eating my healthy-ish lunch of cottage cheese and granola. Ew. I just read what I wrote. Why does being skinny have to be such a pain?! After a few minutes I go to the door to see if she’s ready to come in. Nope, not at the door. Don’t see her in the yard either; I figured she was doing her business behind the shed. And there’s my happy boy, Cooper, laying in the sun by the fence. So, I go in and start watching a Jenna Marbles video. Don’t y’all love her? I too feel like I own a  “ratchet salon.” After a few more minutes I realize both dogs are still outside. I go to the back door… nothing. My antennae goes up; something is not right. I decide to walk out there and make sure everything is ok.

Y’all. Have you ever seen something that made your heart break and your stomach drop? The gate to my fenced-in yard was open. My boyfriend, D-man, mowed the yard the previous night and must have forgotten to close the gate! Quan took her chance to give me the middle finger and leave. I instantly started crying – she’s got no fur/fat to protect her from anything that might try to attack her. She’s a diva and needs a couch or MY bed! She flips out when a ground isn’t the perfect consistency to walk on… HOW IS MY BABY GON MAKE IT IN THE WILD Y’ALL?!  

Cooper was still in the backyard, because he’s perfect, so I grabbed him and probably threw him in the house.  I ran out the front door stupidly thinking she’d be in the front yard just waiting for me or something. Nope. Y’all, I panicked. I called my boyfriend scream-crying that Quan was gone. He swears all he heard was incoherent, hysterical crying with 0 words, but he somehow got the gist. Get you a man who can understand your hysterical, non-verbal communication!  I got in the car and cried to my mom to come help me find her.

Luckily, I found Quan quickly. I decided to drive the way we take her on walks & found her a block over looking for a couch to hop on! “Hello? You got a couch I can lounge on? Hey! Yeah, you! Gimme your couch!”

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My poor mom still came over and tried to calm me down because I was shaking so bad. I honestly thought I’d lost my fur-child forever. Meanwhile, Quan was just happy to be back on her couch. Giving me the finger. (That’s an actual picture of her after I got her back in the house)

I have a Nest camera at my house and took a clip of the whole thing. Watching it back now, knowing everything ended up ok, is kind of funny. It’s like a really crappy drama you never wanted to see. Of yourself.  Acting super dramatic.

I told my boyfriend if he ever leaves the gate open again he’s fired. He has not mowed the lawn since.

~ MJ

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