I was at a company BBQ back in March. I’m in the construction world, so my office consists of mostly men, so I really do enjoy spending time with their wives getting all the hot gossip at these events. We’re also in a bit of a transition as we merge two branches together & I am getting to know those guys and their wives. Why is everyone married? Don’t they know only the cool people get divorced?

We’re all partaking in my favorite past-time: chatting. The wife of one of the guys that will be moving into my office in the coming months was talking about having a hard time finding a house she liked. I was intrigued. Y’all, let me explain suburban, Southern Louisiana. There are houses everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Don’t find one you like, fucking build it! There’s land. You’re rich, you can do it. Yes, I have no problem counting & spending your money.

Out of my love for conversation & following social norms, I ask her what she’s looking for – surely I can help! Ohhhhhhh man. Y’all. I don’t make enough money to handle this chick’s laundry list of control issues. And I’m also a Type-A bitch! She wants to be in a certain area so it’s a shorter commute for her; reasonable. Their price range is completely doable for that area too. Raised home or slab?  Raised homes are pretty common around here because, you know, Katrina. Nope, raised home is a no-go for SAFETY. *record scratch* Huh? I figured she had her reasons, so I moved on. She offered up that she refuses to buy a home that has a pool ALSO FOR SAFETY ISSUES.

“You do know you can fill in pools, right? Or put a fence around them?” I asked. She couldn’t be bothered. I was both annoyed and infatuated by her rich-bitch lifestyle of megalithic demands. I wanted to slap her and high-five her. I was entertained. I needed to know more!

The conversation evolved and now she’s talking about kids. She and her husband currently have 1 little boy, but apparently my co-worker (her husband) is insane and wants 6 kids. SIX. I feel like 6 kids is not a “want” so much as an accident. Or an attempt to be a Partridge Family or Brady Bunch. Obviously, that’s not something I can remotely understand, but to each their own. And she’s saying how she’ll only agree to it if he does most the housework & child rearing. He already drops off and picks up their kid from daycare! Y’all. Someone please tell me how I can be this big of an asshole and have someone still love me? How do I get everything to be my way and have the other person be happy about it? I’m over here being nice and shit and I just get cheated on! I need her guidance. I need whatever it is that’s she’s got and everything she’s doing. This is high priority.

Also, she demanded to be next to a Whole Foods and a mega-gym (Health center? Club?  You can tell I don’t partake in this nonsensical farse). I wanted to claw my eyes out. And then put them as an offering at her altar. Send help.

2018-06-07 14.12.24– MJ

One thought on “I Can’t Decide if I Love or Loathe You

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