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Michael is walking the dog down the street using two awkwardly linked belts that he has attached at the buckles. The gold sequins sparkle as the pink belt stretches and recoils back when Michael yanks the dog to stop pulling every other second. Buddy pulls with all of his might to reach each tree and mailbox. He hacks and coughs with excitement as he trots in circles. The poop dance has just initiated. The neighbor steps out from her garage and waves at Michael. She’s wearing a colorful house dress, taking long drags off of her cigarette, cocks her head to the side and clicks her tongue with a look of disgust as the dog begins to squat.


Hello!?? I hope you’re planning to pick up after your pooch there! That’s my mailbox that he has taken a liking to ya know!


Yes ma’am, of course. I have his bags right here in my pocket. We have trained him to go in one place you see, he’s pretty good at being consistent.


Buddy farts loudly as he begins to arch his back


Good Boy!

Michael fumbles around with the belts as he looks for the bags. He yanks a little too hard on the make-do leash and disrupts Buddy’s awkward llama-poop squatting position. Buddy topples forward, spreads his loose stool across the pavement and whines loudly.



Looks like you may be shit outta luck eh?

Michael looks down at Buddy and gasps. Buddy has managed to walk through his mess and is now jumping up on Michael’s pants leg looking for his cookie.



Oh man! SHIT! Not on my pants boy.

Buddy continues to claw at Michael’s pants and whine


Don’t you go anywhere! I’ll get you a bag and let you use my hose. You tell that girlfriend of yours…


She’s my fiancée.



Michael starts wiping the poop off of his pants with a stick


My fiancée, she’s my fiancée… Natalie and I are getting married. Buddy here is the ringbearer.



Oh, well whatever, congrats, I guess. Good luck with that one.


She waves her flabby arm toward the slick of orange and brown dog mess


You tell that fiiiiiiancée of yours that if she keeps letting the RINGBEARER shit in the same place, and mind you it happens to be next to MY mailbox EVERYDAY, YOU tell her that if this continues she can replace my grass! All I know is his shit is like lava and it burns away my grass. I don’t know what the hell you feed it, I don’t care to know. All I DO know is my grass is turning yellow and has more bare spots each week! Now, stay right there you are gonna hose down this crap!

Michael stands on the sidewalk, stick hanging from his hand, stunned. His khaki pants have brown shitty paw prints all over them. Buddy sits down next to his foot, looks back up at him and turns his head innocently as the woman’s screen door screeches shut.

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