“MJ? It’s Carol, your mom’s neighbor…” I had to laugh, I knew Carol! She was in my phone already; she’d been my parents neighbor for years, but I guess it’s the polite thing to introduce yourself on the phone.

“Hey Mrs. Carol! What are…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence.

“When do your parents get back from their trip? It’s a long story, but I have a goose and don’t know what to do with him.” My parents go on a big, international trip every year (must be nice). Their yard also happens to be a goose proclaimed goose-sanctuary. They live off a bayou and they have a ton of wildlife and the geese have really taken a liking to the area and their yard. It also helps that my mom and Mrs. Carol buy a literal ton of corn to feed them and their babies every year.

Also, I’m sure my mom would like for me to clarify: When I say “bayou”, you’re probably thinking of a trailer, covered in feces and meth. Having to take an airboat everywhere (that honest to God is what people asked me when I went to college in Georgia). No, they’re in a real house. Larger than anything anyone actually needs. So, you’re welcome mom! Everyone knows you and dad have a mouth full of teeth and bathe regularly now!

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[My parents backyard. Full of Satanic beasts]

“I think they should be back in a few hours. I’m actually headed that way now so I’ll meet you at their house.” I say casually.

I arrive a few minutes later since I don’t live far from my parents. I walk in and see Mrs. Carol in the backyard. Instead of taking care of the other pets – refilling food & water bowls, scooping the litter box, etc – I go ahead and walk out to see her and this goose.

She tells me how she ended up with this goose… Apparently a man was raising a a few baby geese and unfortunately something ate them all except for the one now in Mrs. Carol’s possession one night. It freaked the guy out, rightfully so, and he tried to release this particular goose over by the hospital.

Why is it that geese always kongregate by the hospital? I guess because the hospital tries to make the fact that you’re spending your life savings to be there marginally better by adding ponds for you to look at out of your 2 x 2 window.

But this little baby goose had imprinted (imprinted on?) this guy and didn’t want to stay at the hospital ponds. Some lady apparently was watching this and took pity on this guy and decided to take him to the store where my mom and Mrs. Carol buy their corn for the geese. This lady gets there and the owner says “I don’t take geese, but I know two crazy ladies who will.” Take a guess who the crazy ladies were… I’m sure he tried my mom’s phone, but she was obviously on a plane and never got the call. So he tried Mrs. Carol and she, for some insane reason, went to pick up this goose.

Y’all. They are not animal rehabilitators. Not that anything was wrong with this goose but who actually knows how to take care of a baby goose? WHO? I don’t!

Looking back, I feel so stupid now. I wish I actually knew what assholes geese were and wasn’t blinded by this spawn of Satan being cute and little.  I made the worst mistake of my whole life, besides getting married at 22 to a compulsive liar, but this is honestly a REAL close second. I said, oh man it hurts to type it out, “Why don’t you leave him in my parents yard since they’ve got the fence so keep any predators out.”

If only I realized what misery I had just signed my parents (and me, vicariously) up for. I regret everything.

Shortly after my regrettable statement, my parents arrive back at their house…

– MJ

2 thoughts on “Mother’s Goose Part 1

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