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I am a HUGE Real Housewives fan. I’m excited to start a recapping journey for my fellow RH fans!

It’s time to WHOOP IT UP! Put NINE LEMONS IN A BOWL and get your JESUS JUGS ready! WHOOOOOOOOO?? YOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!

We know Vicki apologized at the reunion *eye roll* and it was finally accepted by Tamra & Shannon. I get it: Vicki did bad, but she was also kind of a victim. Brooks was certifiable! But THANK GOD they’re all finally getting along, maybe this season will be enjoyable.

Poor Shannon. She didn’t deserve any of what David did to her and their kids. I honestly had hope for their reconciliation, but after hearing all Shannon said about things he did – throwing his ring at one of their daughters and asking her to give it to her mom (umm, cruel?), telling Shannon they had ‘a few good months’ after trying to reconcile for like 2 years, and him being so bitter about a divorce HE CAUSED. This guy… fucking typical amirite?! Anyway, poor little rich girl Shannon has downsized to a super small 4,000- sf mansion. IT’S A RENTAL. It’s disgusting.  I live in 1,200 sf and manage just fine; she’ll be fine. I guess going from 14,000 sf to 4,000 sf would be a drastic change, but it’s still ridiculous to hear. But honestly, I’m here for it.

Tamra is moving too! She and Eddie bought a house that’s also magically 4,000 sf. Is that the average size of a house in the OC? Eddie is having some heart issues. He’s been diagnosed with A-Fib and will be going into surgery. For some reason they thought it was a good idea to move into their new home early… like, so early the house isn’t even fully built yet. That seems like a great idea for someone recovering from heart surgery.

Kelly has ALSO moved into a new place… because she’s also getting divorced. I never really grasped what issues there were between her and Michael, but who only knows. She makes it seem like dating is great and fun. LIES. Also, she’s terrible at math; her poor daughter, Jolie, is on her own with that. I would imagine Jolie is used to that, though.

Now we’ve gotten to see everyone individually, it’s time to have one on ones. We start with the most unlikely pair… Shannon & Vicki. Has Hell frozen over?! I did enjoy the fact that they were under a bright, neon sign that read “Good Vibes Only.” The two genuinely seemed in a good place. I’m relieved; I miss the Vicki-Tamra-Shannon shenanigans; they were hysterical together!

Tamra is dropping-off  Eddie for his surgery and then meets her son, Ryan, for a coffee. While there, Vicki calls her and offers her… a juice?! I guess juices are the new “casserole” huh Vicki? Tamra makes an off-handed comment that she hasn’t heard from Shannon… foreshadowing???

Vicki and Kelly (and Jolie?!? Poor thing) go to dinner. Jolie is forced to watch two divorced women drown in vodka martinis and make mental notes of what NOT to do in life. This was such a strange conversation. Kelly wants Michael to be like David and already have a new, young girlfriend? And is mad that Vicki is going to set-up Shannon with a friend? It’s all too TMI for a dinner where your daughter is also present. That just seems odd. Plus, those feeling are ODD. And gossip already tells us Kelly is full of it because Vicki sets up Michael with a date and Kelly LOSES IT. So obviously she doesn’t want Michael dating anyone. Kelly ultimately suggest the four ladies do a ropes course together. No one sounds like a ropes-course kind of girl except Tamra. Definitely not Shannon or Vicki.

We are introduced to one of the new housewives, Emily. She and Tamra had a falling out because the HOUSEWIFE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED… Gretchen… wormed her way into a friendship with Emily. Tamra was no longer interested in being friends with Emily. Which, rightfully so, pissed off Emily. They worked it out on a walk… that was easy.

Background about Emily: She’s an attorney by day, party planner by night. Huh? How does she ever get life stuff done?! How does she manage three kids?! Her husband is also an attorney… it just hit me, they must pay people to do it. Most notably, her husband proposed over Google chat. Ah, the life of the rich.

Tamra leaves her 4,000 sf not totally built house to go see Shannon slumming it in her 4,000 sf finished RENTED house. They talk about Shannon’s divorce. I really feel for Shannon, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders and she’ll be just fine. I’m honestly cheering for her. Tamra encourages her to take off her wedding ring. And the comedy Gods smile upon us as the ring WILL NOT COME OFF. Even bodybuilder Tamra couldn’t get it, but finally ina poetic fashion Shannon manages to take the ring off herself.

We are now at the ropes course. It’s nice to see them all get along but it was even better to see what buffoons they are. They’re all talking about “trust”, and yet taking pot shots at each other. Shannon is her wonderful, zaney self and is hyperventilating before she’s even done with the first task. I think Vicki must have taken this as a challenge because we’re then treated to her screaming and crying about her finger! The whole thing was just ridiculous.

To apology 10,000,000,000 hopefully sticking!!

– MJ

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