Y’all. There is so much to unpack.

We begin with Kelly and Emily screaming at each other. Gina is trying to separate them, Tamra is nowhere to be seen and Shannon is in shock. But can we just rewind this argument for a sec? Kelly wanted to approach Steve, Shannon gave her good advice, Kelly goes to Steve and tries to have a civil conversation, Steve dismisses her (ouch), then Fucking Shane take jabs at her (again, what’s his thing with drinking AT A PARTY?!), so Kelly lets the Devil on her shoulder take over and she hurls insults at Fucking Shane, Emily hears and defends her man… No one was right here at all. Not one.  It’s too bad Kelly let something so silly upset her. It’s frustrating that Steve & Shane are so incredibly dismissive and don’t see how that inflamed the emotions here. It’s sad that Emily lost her cool with someone who is so adept at turning things around on another. But, of course, we wouldn’t watch if thing went perfectly! FUCK SHANE!

housewivesfight-1

I’d also like to point out how Tamra just got into a fight with Shannon about talking poorly about another’s spouse (and was mad at Vicki all last season for saying Eddie was gay), and yet Tamra is egging Kelly on while Kelly was saying Steve is only with Vicki for her money. Nice.

But thank the Housewives God that we get to witness the gift that is Shannon on a blind date. THIS! This is what I need!! Tom is cute, polite, and complimentary – hopefully this will give Shannon the confidence to know it’ll all be ok. Listen, I know anyone that gives dating advice is cringing at Tom sharing his divorce story, but he’s trying to make an emotional connection (anyone that’s been through divorce gets how deep those cuts run) – which I’d think Shannon would want! But Shannon decides he has too many cats and the sensitivity is foreign to her (which is SAD).

Does Vicki’s birthday ever end? Or does it slowly turn into her next birthday? Is she always celebrating it? How many episodes have we seen now that involve her bday?! We see her and Steve buying gear for motorcycles for her birthday… Then we see Tamra and Gina on the phone, then we see Gina & Kelly making plans to talk in person.

Gina stops by Emily’s office. Poor Gina is really struggling to come to terms with the fact her marriage is over and probably has been for a while. Gina confesses she doesn’t want to be like Shannon. It sounds like a dig, but I don’t think it was. She doesn’t want to be like Shannon in that she doesn’t want to hang on for so long that she wastes tim and her life on something that’s already dead. When I went through my divorce, the best advice I got was “Everyone tells you to ‘keep trying’, but no one ever tells you there’s a lot to be said for pulling the plug early.” I am so thankful I pulled the plug early and hopefully Gina will be too.

MY GOD VICKI’S BIRTHDAY IS NEVER ENDING. Vicki & Steve go to lunch… for a birthday surprise party. I can’t. Then she says eh wants to be “Vicki Chavez”…. Steve’s last name is Lodge? Where is she getting Chavez from? I’m so confused.

Vicki cannot stand to be left out of the hop-a-long group, so she magically has some foot issue just like Tamra & Shannon. So, Shannon takes Vicki to her Energy Healer, Dr. Moon. I’m not sure if he’s a quack or a Saint, but he does something for Shannon so I guess it’s worth it to her. Vicki confesses she’s mad at Brooks, yeah no big shock there. We’re treated to a funny flashback scene of a few days prior of Vicki and Tamra – Tamra says Brooks got married but he looked OLD. Vicki replies “Well he’s sick. He’s got cancer. He’s VERY sick.” Who knew Vicki knew how to joke?! We go back to Dr. Moon squishing the “anger” out of Vicki’s abdomen.

Next, we see Gina facetiming her mom. I guess this is the first she’s telling her family that she and Mystery Matt are divorcing. That’s tough shit right there. Gina, I’m a tell you: You will not regret it.

We move onto what will probably be a throw-down… Kelly & Emily. But it somehow isn’t the fight I expected; instead we get a mature conversation. This is so rare in Housewife history, this deserves some kind of achievement award.

Tamra, Gina, Kelly & Shannon meet for dinner. Tamra says her family’s Disney vacation was great. Shannon dishes on her date. Gina confesses she and Mystery Man Matt are separating. I don’t think anyone was truly surprised. But the confusing part is that Gina says she still finds Matt attractive & continuously calls him her best friend. Wait, what? Hold on girl, you can’t have it both ways. I’m not saying you need to get out your pitchfork, but now you truly don’t sound like you know how you feel – which means you’re not ready to be divorced. The conversation warps to Vicki… Tamra says Vicki isn’t happy. Wait, hold on. WHAT? Oooh Tamra. When that gets back to Vicki, it won’t be good.

The four start talking about the Kelly vs. Emily fight. Emily quickly says they hashed it out, but Shannon wanted to vouch for her friend and say her side. Gina decides to throw in her 2 cents by saying Shannon did bad and Shannon orchestrated the whole thing. Oh dear. Dis gon be bad, y’all.

– MJ

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