We open to Tamra & Kelly going to Tamra’s Dr to have Tamra’s foot looked at… you know, the one she broke while drunkenly jumping in a hot tub, naked. While they wait, Kelly & Tamra talk about Emily & Vicki. Kelly just doesn’t like that Fucking Shane got involved in a convo she wanted to be between her and Steve. But now Kelly has her sights set on Vicki. We ALL know, when Kelly is gunning for you, YOU GON GET IT. So, she’s lettin loose alllllllll the things she knows about Vicki & Steve: Steve dumped Vicki and was mean to her, he moved in with his mom, Steve is only with Vicki for her money, etc etc.  Tamra & Kelly get interrupted by the nurse calling them back for Hot Doc. Kelly decides he could “be on her bench.”

Emily & Gina meet up for some kid-friendly activities at some kind of farm. They discuss the dinner that Tamra, Shannon & the two of them were at. Gina is frustrated that Shannon doesn’t like her opinions… Hmm, you mean the same opinions they’re all throwing at you, Gina, about your divorce that you don’t like? Oh ok, girl.

Vicki and Tamra go to taste some wines. Vicki is hosting some “Italian” dinner girls night and I guess this wine will be for it? Vicki says she and Steve are going to look at a house… Tamra just can’t help herself and starts a convo about Vicki & Steve. Aaaaand threw Kelly under the bus in the process. Vicki swears she and Steve are fiiiiiiiiine and that “Kelly needs to shut her fat ass mouth.” Vicki swears that Michael wanted to stay with Kelly even though, in her words, Kelly was awful to him… WHO WOULD WANT TO STAY?!?! Vicki’s logic, once again, is in a land that can only be reached via the Fun Bus with a full Love Tank funded by a cancer scam.

Vicki and Tamra move onto Gina’s divorce. They don’t understand it… you know, because they’ve both been divorced TWICE. Tamra, I think, has the right attitude here: it doesn’t make sense, but it’s Gina’s life. Vicki, on the other hand, feels like you take vows and you stick to them. Riiiiiiight. You mean you get married, renew your vows, and still cheat on your husband (Donn)? Mmkay. Yeah, you’ve got morals Vicki. You sure do… cancer scam, anyone?

Kelly & Gina meet up for a work out class. Gina doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out how different work outs are here – y’all, WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Jesus, we get it, you’re an alien! They move on and discuss Gina’s divorce. Kelly’s right, everyone is confused because Gina’s not giving clear reasons as to why they’re getting divorced… they don’t fight, they’re best friends, they’re still attracted to each other & have sex? Yeah, what a nightmare!

It’s the night of Vicki’s Italian dinner party. We see snipits of everyone leaving: Kelly & Shannon are riding together – are y’all loving the two of them together as much as I am? Then Gina wrangling her monsters, then Emily talking with Fucking Shane about Kelly. He’s willing to entertain an apology from Kelly… wow, how kind of you. Back at Vicki’s palace, she’s telling the chef who he can and can’t flirt with. Umm, ok? Everyone shows up and seems to be in good, jovial, friendly spirits……. but we know that Housewives can’t keep a lid on it for long.

Emily asks Kelly to come and talk to fucking Shane and Kelly agrees. Then, Domenico (the chef) gets everyone cooking… Gina & Emily’s skills leave a lot to be desired. But when you’re rich, you probably have people to do that for you.

Now, we get into the meat of it… of the show, that is. Shannon tells Tamra that Vicki is pissed at Kelly for telling Tamra about Vicki-Steve stuff. As Tamra and Kelly are discussing this stupid shit, Vicki actually walk in on the conversation. Vicki keeps blowing it off. Somehow the conversations alters to Gina’s divorce… Gina is convinced it will stay cordial. The others A) don’t understand the divorce in the first place and B) all know divorce can get ugly fast. The other women, I think, mean it to help her. They’re trying to warn her. Then, Vicki decides to be all judgemental about it and say “you took an oath in front of GOD!” Ok, sit down adulterer and scammer. Gina decides to shut Vicki up and declare she doesn’t believe in God, well she believes in A god but not God God. That’s good, get in on a religious debate. So, Vicki declares that Gina doesn’t have a moral compass. Listen, religion does not teach people a “moral compass.” It’s called EMPATHY and it has 0 to do with religion. Man, Satan is confusing.

So, Gina leaves the table. She decides to take a minute and call…. HER HUSBAND and reiterate that they’re “just not right for each other.” Mmkay. Y’all, their situation IS legit strange. I cannot understand it. I’m putting my money on him having an affair… but then I don’t know why she’d call him for emotional support. Ugh, this is so strange. But if you want to leave perfection, you go right on ahead. Someone will value him; although hopefully he won’t live in a separate city from them either. Emily goes and gives Gina SOLID advice: Listen to their (Shannon, Vicki, Kelly & Tamra) advice, don’t get defensive about your situation, and then do what you want/need to do anyway. BOOM.

Today is the day. Kelly is going to meet with Fucking Shane. Luckily for all involved, she brought Jolie to keep herself in check. Emily is afraid to leave the two of them alone, but also doesn’t want to be near the explosion. Shane also doesn’t want to be alone because he’s a little bitch (to quote Kelly he he). Here’s my thing with Shane, Emily keeps saying he’s “sarcastic.” But I don’t see or hear sarcasm. I hear someone making statements that can easily get taken personally (understandably). To say it’s sarcasm is misrepresenting the facts – how’s that for you, Mr. kinda lawyer? Kelly was smart here, she decided to just keep the peace and move on from his strange personality.

Did y’all see the preview for the rest of the season?! It looks like it all goes down the drain when they get to… where was it? JAMAICA!!!

– MJ

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