This episode is called “Heat Waves and Hot Flashes.” Man, even the title is leaving a lot to be desired. I hope this gets WAY more interesting soon.

We begin immediately being annoying by Gina’s grating voice. Then we flash over to Kelly who is realizing she only has “hooker clothes” – but I feel like her fashion game has been on point! In case we forgot, Bravo treats us to Vicki making sure her business can survive without her… BORING. Tamra and Shannon talk on the phone about what to pack; Shannon is ashamed of her body & Tamra tells her to stop eating. Mmk.

We see the ladies entering the airport at a time I previously thought was illegal to be coherent by. And man, do these ladies have luggage! All seems peachy as they show cell phone footage from the plane.

They get off the plane and IMMEDIATELY complain about how hot it is. Bravo show us that it’s 89 degrees. Y’all. That’s basically fall in south Louisiana. My car said it was a rare 79 degrees (I’d like to say it felt it a little warmer than that though #humidity) here today and when I passed a school at lunch some kid had a full coat on. A FULL COAT! 

These old biddies break out full tourist rastafarian hats and ask the driver if he’d be offended. He’s so fucking over it. As long as he gets paid, do whatever you want, tourists.

And in “I wish I never heard that” news, apparently Vicki loooooves sex. Like, needs it 4 times a day. So, now your day is just as ruined as mine.

They pull up to the hotel and you know the drill : ROOM RUN! Just kidding, that’s RHONY (looking at you, Ramona Singer & Sonja Morgan)! Kelly says Shannon will stay with Emily & Gina. Shannon isn’t having it. I get it though; this is supposed to be a trip to celebrate Shannon & why in the world would she want to spend it with 2 ladies she doesn’t like?! But now Gina & Emily are butt hurt. Well, Vicki & Tamra have turned into Ramonja… they’re peeing on beds & licking pillows to get the biggest room.

We see all the ladies in a panic because the a/c is definitely not working. Emily unpacks her “NOT YOURS” suitcase (snarkcasm from fucking Shane?!), and then Tamra calls Eddie. Can I just make an aside here real quick? Do y’all remember a million seasons ago when Tamra vilified Gretchen for leaving her dying fiance’s side to go to Bass Lake? Isn’t Tamra leaving her ill husbands side to go to  Jamaica? Mmkay, anyway… She reveals she got the big room during their conversation over what appeared to be a sketchy game of Eenie Meenie.

They all go to dinner. Vicki’s dress is.. umm… unflattering. Also, I think I can see her thong through it?! Man, reminds of the time she accidently tweeted a pic where you could see her tits in the reflection of whatever she was trying to take a pic of. Shannon is texting on her phone and she reveals the super small rental home she’s in has been sold, so she’ll have to move again. This upsets her and Kelly tries to give her a reality check, but it obviously rubbed Shannon the wrong way. Vicki is still complaining about how hot she is. Tamra decides to annoy literally everyone and ask Gina about her life… Shannon’s body language is comical. She does not give a fuck about Gina. Vicki does about her business though; so she swoops in to plug her business take the reins on Gina’s financial situation. But Vicki decides to steal the show another way: straight up becoming so red and hot she looks like she might burst into flames at any second. Satan is confusing! So Tamra does the only logical thing and pour water all over her friend. Kelly decides to help and smudges her makeup around and then wets her hand and wipes it all over Vicki bosom. Then Tamra, NOT TO BE OUTDONE, pours water on Vicki’s head. Literally everyone at this restaurant is looking at them.

It’s Day 2 in Jamaica. Vicki is still complaining of the heat. After dinner it seems “the sorority house” (Kelly, Emily & Gina) stayed up late partying and the “retirement home” (Vicki, Tamra & Shannon) went to bed. It seems like they are also splitting today: Tamra, Gina & Emily go down to the beach. Kelly, Vicki & Shannon head to the spa. They go into this salt room where they lay on a salt chair? Everyone is asking if it will heal their very specific ailments. Kelly is fixated with this rash she’s gotten on her arm. Shannon didn’t bring a swimsuit so is just laying with a towel over her.

Back on the beach, Shannon is taking a beating. Gina & Emily are frustrated by the fact Shannon doesn’t like them. Aaaand Tamra isn’t exactly being a great friend to Shannon right now either. I mean, she’s not that great a friend so far this whole season.

Back at the spa, they are now guided into a mineral pool. Shannon, having forgotten (purposefully?) to bring a bathing suit, she doesn’t want to go in the water. Well, that just won’t do for Fun Bus Vicki! So she and Kelly force Shannon in the water.

We go back to the beach… man, these three know how to take an awesome time and murder it mercilessly. They just complain about Shannon ad nauseum. Good LORD!

Back in the room, Tamra is hiding in the fridge to cool off, with a full face of makeup you understand. Shannon & Vicki come back from their spa day. Tamra tells them what a great time she had and how much she laughed. “What’d you laugh about?” Shannon inquires. Vicki just wants to know if they talked about HER. Tamra says they just had fun, duh Grandma!

The sorority house (Kelly, Gina & Emily) reconvene. Kelly tells them about the spa. Gina reveals she has a thing with “dark water” – and is nervous about this rafting expedition they’re about to go on. I am so over Gina it takes all my energy to type out her scenes. You guys. Send me encouragement.

They hop aboard the air conditioned bus and revel in it gloriousness. I’ll never forget, after Katrina, I honestly wrote in my journal how thankful I was for a/c. But then again it was over 100 degrees with 100% humidity and no power, water, or entertainment. So… I digress.  They really must be hot because almost everyone has given up on their hair and makeup. Which is a housewife mortal sin. Shannon is super worried about Zika. Y’all, I’m pretty sure Zika only matters if you’re pregnant. I don’t think it’s even a big deal if you get it, health wise. Flu-like symptoms at most! Looks like they’ll be in teams of two for this rafting experience. Shannon quickly asks Vicki who is sitting next to her. Tamra doesn’t like that, but Vicki is just soooo excited to be the favorite again!

They stop at the bar and all get Red Stripes (I think). Tamra is complaining to Kelly about Shannon having wanted to do rafting with Vicki rather than her! But don’t worry Kelly. Tamra makes sure to tell you she’d rather be with you because Shannon would complain the whole time anyway… just like Tamra is right now. Ok.

They’re getting onto these bamboo rafts. Gina is panicking and Shannon confesses to Vicki the beer has made her gassy. Vicki is freaking out! Tamra is just happy she’s not stuck with Shannon! So, Vicki & Shannon are together, then Gina & Emily, then Kelly & Tamra. Not surprisingly, Kelly & Tamra have come up with a drinking game. Every time their captain says “yah, mon” they take a sip of their drink. Vicki is trying to also be fun and gets her captain to sing “row your boat.” Tamra is unimpressed and all around bitter. And because she’s bitter, she sends her friendship with Shannon downstream and complains to Kelly about how Gina & Emily feel. Kelly, reiterates that they need to quit worrying about it. Luckily there’s a distraction by a crazy Tarzan-swinging man. They all want in!

Vicki & Shannon do not want to do it – no surprise. Kelly & Tamra are in. Gina & Kelly are questionable. Emily is the first to do it! Go girl! Kelly does the rope swing with pizazz, but doesn’t want to get in the water because of her rash. After the swing, her tit is blurred, so I think her nipple was peaking out. HA!

Shannon & Vicki made their way to the bar. Despite Shannon beer induced gas attack, she orders her and Vicki more beers. Vicki accosts that bartender with all her latest ailments : overheating the previous night and now having probably gotten bug spray in her eye and her eyes are burning.

Back at the rope swing, it’s Tamra’s turn. Tamra goes just like Kelly, but actually goes into the water. And takes it one step further and pops her tits out of the water. Man, Tamra is an exhibitionist at this point. Oh, and if you thought showing them was enough, it wasn’t She swam back to shore and got out the water with her boobs still on display.

Back at the bar, Vicki literally tells her life story to the bartender. Someone give that lady all the money!

Now it’s Gina’s turn on the rope swing. She does like Kelly and doesn’t get in the water. They all meet back up at the bar and Shannon immediately tries to get everyone on the van. Tamra wants to be at the bar for a bit, so fun crushers get on the bus to enjoy the a/c. I guess the rest of the group decides to follow and they all leave the bar. Tamra confesses she’s tired of Shannon’s negativity and warns “I’m gonna blow.”

Ok, hopefully this season improves because right now I’m so bored I could scream.

– MJ

 

2 thoughts on “RHOC S13 E13

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